Wednesday, 23 November 2016

A Year Have Flown By And I Am Still Me

About a year has passed since my second last entry here. My last entry is updated just an hour ago wtf lol one hour has passed and here I am trying to submit a second one coz I am such a desperate righttt

One year has flown by. Many things have changed. 

1. I began meditating and jogging regularly

For health, concentration and for a peace of mind.

2. I am re-learning how to make friends and stay friends with others

I have always been afraid of my feelings not being reciprocrated, which is reflected in the dynamics of my relationships with others. I am slowly learning how to communicate more sincerely with others. I learn that body languages are often as important, if not more, in keeping an open and affectionate bond with my friends. 

3. I am single! 
I am now out of a happy relationship. As a creature of love, I am surprisingly a lot happier than expected. This was a relationship which we decided to hold on to our relationship as long as we could, despite foreseeing a breakup since much earlier on. Over the years, despite being close colleagues, our journeys of growth have slowly diverged, and by the time we realised, we are already too far apart- in thoughts, in soul and physically. By the time our insecurity overshadowed our affection, we fell into the trap of an endless vicious cycle - trying to hold onto each other with negativity, taunting each other emotionally. A rather peaceful end, we have both moved on swiftly and I am so happy for him. This is an entirely newfound emotion to me- feeling happy for an old love. I can't quite fathom it, yet I understand that this is the result of my growth over the years. It has been an amazing 3-year. He has made me a better person, I am eternally grateful and I owe it all to him. 

Looking back, this is the ultimate result of Relationships vs Travelling to me lololololol wtf. If I am to pick one main reason that contributes to the breakup, it would be travelling. Yet I don't regret this decision to travel and to end the relationship - and never will even if I am granted an opportunity to choose, over and over again. 

4. More travellings!  

During this one-year gap from writing, I have also travelled to 
      1. November 2015: Siem Reap, Phnom Penh, Cambodia fking hot weather fml
      2. December 2015: Hangzhou, Suzhou, Nanjing, Shanghai, China pretty girls everywhere i am a potato
      3. January 2016: Saigon, Vietnam still fking hot shit, almost got hit by motorbikes several times
      4. May 2016: Miri, East Malaysia; Brunei Darussalam peace for champion!
      5. June-Aug 2016: United Kingdom; Lithuania; Latvia; Estonia; Finland almost died falling off a cliff 
      6. September 2016: Philadelphia, United States work

And very soon in December, to Sichuan province, China.

5. I studied abroad again!

I went to study in Brighton and Oxford during the summer, taking up subjects and falling in love with particularly Economics and Philosophy. I will hopefully be able to elaborate on my experiences and also travel tales in the next post lol hopefully la hahahaah fml medical student very busy one ya know every hour cost a thousand bucks

6. I am studying in a whole new different way now

Surprisingly, upon coming back to Malaysia, I have become more interested and committed to my medical studies. I no longer study, but place more emphasis on learning, critical analysis and debating skills, all of which have significantly increased the standard of my academic performances lol now I go for exam I just talk bullshit and get good result LOL kidding wtf

Many things have changed. Many more haven't. 

I still want to be a Doctor.
I still want to be an Economist.
I still want to be a Theatre Performer.
I still want to travel.
I still want to love.
But for now please let me stay single lololol wtf.

I still am me, and I am happy :) Thank you every one for being in my life. 

The Faces That Dance Across My Mind

Is it normal to meditate and begin weeping quietly?

As I meditated today, the unforgettable faces of my patients flashed across my mind. Just like a merry-go-round, slowly rotating in circles, our conversations took form as words flew and led onto images which I thought I have long forgotten - the smallest gestures and the tiniest changes in facial expressions, which I did not see whilst in the middle of the encounter. Then I turned around and observed as the grim reaper rolled his dice. It was seemingly surreal, yet felt truest than ever. 

I see patients suffer due to pain or treatments everyday. Few years ago, I used to get comments from my peers about how I easily get overly involved with my patient's emotions, to an extent that it becomes unbearably unhealthy for the state of my mind. Hence from then I practise to not bring home the emotions from the healthcare setting, with which after tremendous mental effort, I have been successful in striking a balance between emotion control and empathy. I care for the patients so much that whether they are truly complaining or just whining, when others step back, I would always report it to the nurses and doctors, even if it was annoying or looks bad on me, simply because I don't want to miss out on any patients whom we could save. Today, I am able to watch a patient wince in pain without affecting my precision and capability at work, but that doesn't mean that I am unmoved. Whilst maintaining a professional demeanor, undeniably when a patient screams of pain, a part of me died inside. I don't fear death. I only fear my patients having to suffer needlessly, or dying without dignity.
The populations that garner my biggest concern are the psychiatric and the geriatric patients. 

People raise flags all the time claiming that all lives are equal. But media often screams law suits against Obstetricians but seldom about those to protect the lives and dignity of the elderly. We seem to have been acquainted with the perceived fact that while new lives equate with celebrations, it is "kind of"acceptable that old people die all the time. A doctor once said to me, "old people are aware that they are becoming forgetful but they did not seek for treatment until it is too late because they regard forgetfulness as just a process of aging." We are taking it for granted. On another hand, people tend to disrespect what an elderly wants. We have encountered so many situations in which the family members tried to convince doctors to hide the diagnosis from the patients who are begging to find out about their illnesses to plan about their will and funerals. The worst was to have family members fighting for money as their parent is put on ventilators at the verge of his demise.

I have said something like this before: Psychiatric patients live in a world contrastingly different from ours. They see patterns in numbers. They watch the rain pour with an air of melancholy as the sun glares. They hear voices in deafening silence. People deem them insane. But what if they are the ones who live in the real world? Who are we to judge that we are right and they are wrong? What if in truth we are the ones who live only in our minds but are deemed normal solely for the reason that we outnumber them? Give psychiatric patients our respect and empathy just like how we would to others. It is hard to live a life unrecognised by the world. 

The most significant issue regarding these patients is either their insanity nor their advanced ages. Instead, it is the consequence of how others treat them due to their perceived insanity and senility. However unbeknownst to us, we must be aware that they are vulnerably susceptible to abuse. So often do we forget that these people have a voice. Sometimes their lack of defence brings out the evilest of others. More often, we want to do the best for these patients, so much so that we forget to ask, "is this what you truly want?" This is the most important question a healthcare worker should ask. After all, who bears the repercussions of the chronic side effects? Who bears the effect of the stigma against them? Ultimately, who bears the pain? 

I have met many patients who have transformed my life: a prisoner, a police, a refugee, migrants, drug addicts, housewives, bankers etc. I watch them cry just as I celebrated their recovery. I thought that I have shaken away the images of their suffering faces, I thought they are already far behind me. However, despite my regular effort to separate emotions, I discovered that subconsciously these memories have crept up on me gradually and shaped who I am today. As I meditated, to my surprise, sadness did not come. What came in place was instead, a sense of void, an emotion hauntingly beautiful and more powerful than sadness - emptying yet satisfying.

It was not sadness. 
So I will never be able to understand why tears surged. 

From the beginning till now, I have never doubted that I will make a great doctor. I do have some flaws - too relaxed, sometimes too excitable. I can't deal with administrative work. I have little knowledge with how to deal with hierarchy. Nonetheless, I am improving, and I am happy about my progress. As some of you would have known, I am not your typical studious medical student. I travel all the time and rarely do I study. However, I am passionate about learning, I truly understand the meaning and importance of learning without boundaries, and I never do it blindly. Above all, I have experienced life from its lowest to highest- from busking on streets to wrapping myself in luxury, from sharing food with the homeless, conversing with slaves to fathoming the value of money. I am resilient, and I always have faith in my ability to overcome obstacles. There are still a lot more about humanity to be discovered, and I am willing to walk the world to meet and learn from people from all walks of life. I truly comprehend the fact that by the Hippocratic oath, all are equal. In the face of health and medicine, there are neither social classes nor genders. There are only humans as one, and this is a principle which I will hold on to dearly, for life.  

I would not be who I am today without y'all. So this one is for all of you. 💓

With this I say, "Some faces are to be forgotten, and only resurface upon recollection. Cheers to life!"