Saturday, 6 December 2014

What are Friends?

I have decided today that, I have a very different definition for this word.

I have always defined it as "the people whom you truly connect and bond with, that no distance and no time would bring you apart". By this I mean that even after years of not able to communicate much, the love for the friendship remains.

Today, I decide that many others think otherwise.

They include my close friends in high school and primary schools.

And it hurts because they know how busy I am. It hurts because they know how much time I spend to see the world, to fly far away and to come back. It hurts because they know me as a person who love my alone time.

Yet they figure out that they can't be my friends because I'm too busy.

I am so busy that when they study 30 chapters and scream tired, I am dealing with 200. I am so busy that when they plan a meet-up, I'm overseas. I am so busy that when they are free and done with the semester, I'm just recovering from the post-exam sleeplessness. Most of the other free times I am just reading some online course materials or sleeping. In a way, I can be quite a perfectionist.

I'm not saying medicine is heavy because medicine is not. But I do have more than they do in my hand. The hardest part about medicine isn't the studying, but the state of mind when you have to make yourself so detached from the emotional release, yet feeling every single emotion in other's eyes to understand the agony they are going through.

I'm doing this more and more that I feel different and empowered. I don't feel like the insecure girl in high school anymore. I am confident.

They think that I have changed, which I did.

I do feel like my world is different, that we are from different worlds, with different mentality, different opinions.

I treat all my friends like this. If they are my true friends, they stay true to me. Whenever they need me, I am there for them, money-wise or emotion-wise. But I just don't do the lets-go-out-for-a-coffee thing because first, I can't drink coffee and secondly, I need the time for something else. When I take a day off for me, it means that a patient may be dealt by a doctor who lacks certain knowledge in the future.

I know my best friends stay true to me no matter what. But for the rest of the close friends, I don't know, I do feel lonely although I like being alone. Because even though they don't mean the world to me, they still mean something to me. It is hard, I'm not inhumane enough to throw away whatever bonds and memories we share.

I am usually a very positive woman, but do allow me a moment of grief.

Exam is in 2 days. I will go back to my books now. Thank you everybody for reading this.

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