Saturday, 27 December 2014

The Saddest Moments

I have felt a range of emotions lately. Being an optimistic individual, I'm unusually upset. Here's to recount the saddest moments I've had in December.

1. Not working hard for finals.

Despite knowing the consequence. I need good results to apply for overseas research scholarship. I KNOW this is what I WANT. But the fact that I'm quite smart kicks in. I know that I never have to study as much as others to achieve the same result. Basically I just spent about 3-4 hours on average to revise for every subject. And I know that this amount of time is fking little for EVERY course, what more medicine.

I'm gonna do fine for this exam because the semester has been really easy for me. But I know the results are not the products of my hard work. They are a gift from my parents.

Which reminds me again and again that I have been taking short cuts in my whole life. I've cheated my way in and out. I know I sound like I'm boasting. But it is true. Many of us have been taking too many short cuts in our life.

In short, I didn't know how to work my best. I still don't know. All I have today isn't what I deserve. In some ways, I have disappointed myself.

2. Finally understanding how my boyfriend felt when I left him heartlessly.

I still think my boyfriend is the best thing that has ever happened to me in my life. But at times I do fade off. Nothing serious was going on when I was overseas. But he missed me and he texted and called me everyday. I didn't reply, and I didn't want to. Because that was when I began to see a future of mine which he doesn't share.

I didn't understand how deep in despair he was, or rather, I didn't care. All I was thinking of was just how to make connections when I was in China. Making full use of the resources, planning what my next speech should be about, working on how to see life as it is, when all I did was hurting the one I love.

Thinking back, I was probably the most heartless bastard ever. When I have finally understood how my boyfriend felt, I felt streams after streams of pain in my chest. I have been faithful physically. But in some ways, my soul have begun cheating, the moment when I refused to place an important spot for my boyfriend in my heart.

I guess this is part of growing up. Understanding love, understanding how important it is to show your love. I'm going to make it up.

3. Realizing that I didn't work hard to be part of my friend's life.

Which I can't really change. I love being alone. But at the same time, I want to participate.

4. Realising that my parents didn't participate enough in my growth, and that I didn't participate enough in their growth either.

If you read my blog, you'd probably know that my family background wasn't too well off during my childhood. My parents were always working and stressful. They still are. I didn't have a particularly memorable childhood either. I know for a fact that I purposely try not to recall my childhood because I consciously do it all the time since young. After some time of suppressing memories, we just tend to... not remember anything. It's ironic how the most remarkable things from my childhood were the crazy maids and my neighbour who ran away when he got chased by ah long wtf. Speaks a lot about my childhood.

One of the reason why I travel madly whenever I have a long break, which I find out only recently, is trying to avoid anything to do with being with my family. Ever since stepping into adulthood, I have been avoiding spending time with my family a lot. I distance myself to avoid feeling too close to them. Well, I still do take the time to spend some time with them, but I never do more than I think I should. I make my own decisions and inform my parents of my decisions instead of discussing with them. I have been trying to pin-point to a reason why I do this for years. I have just figured this out onyl a couple of months ago. I learned that there's more to discover about being me.

5. Discovering my true passion.

I haven't been exactly successful in doing this. But I just started having an idea. It should have been music, not medicine, not physics, not mathematics.

When I was young, I was musically talented. I can listen to a song and play the melody right out with a piano. I can feel the soul behind a song and I cried for the song when I was only 6. I remember feeling music flowing in my mind and I even made some music myself. I think my mum discovered that and sent me for piano classes when I was 11. 11 years old was quite a late age to start learning music. But I was really good.

I don't know why the talent started to fade when I was 15. Slowly, I had to work so hard to get the rhythms flowing in my mind. The music eventually stopped. I was unable to play a song that I just heard. Disappointment and hatred for myself kicked in so badly that I hated myself so much. I didn't talk to anyone about this problem simply because I wasn't the kind to share about my stories with others.

After a while, I managed to embrace the fact that music doesn't work for me. At the same time I realise that I'm really good at science and I wanted to study nuclear science or related chemistry. But somehow fate led me to joining a musical and thinking back, that was the happiest time in my college life.

Somehow I ended up studying medicine. Medicine was at first confusing, then it became really handy and easy. But I have come to this point where I don't know why I'm playing all the time, then studying for the finals, then go on playing until the next exam comes. I know I can afford to be lazy because in the end I can still get some fine grades. This is something I don't have to work hard for, and I don't want to work hard for.

In short, I realise that I have no anchor to my life.

I got a little depressed after the exams for this reason. Then amidst all confusion, I took out my dusty musical books and scripts and started singing like I used to.

I haven't felt so happy and elated in a while. It was as if all clouds moved away for me to see the sun.

6. Golf

I have never hated this sports so much until recently. You have probably heard about how golf is concerned when it comes to one-level high flood going on in North Malaysia. Even ducks can't swim like this la wtf.

The floods are scary. But the aftermath is worse. Infections may break out, fishes and water resources are cut down, people starve, supply goes down. Our next economic crisis may be coming.

Brace ourselves, Malaysians. The troubled water is just a beginning.

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