Tuesday, 23 December 2014

Friends Who Grow Up Together

What makes me do this entry was probably meeting my musical friends today.

I'm not sure whether it was the hardship we went through together as a team, or the common passion for broadway music. Even after months and years of not meeting, they still feel as warm to me. At some points I feel like we don't even click so well, but I still feel very warm.

It even makes me sad when some others, whom I am not so close with, couldn't make it for this lil' gathering.

As for those whom I haven't met for a long time, I miss them deeply.

Probably because we grew together, as individuals and as a group.
I'm probably one of the awkward clappers in the background.

Anyway, long story short. I was in Love Is A Many-Splendoured Thing! (LIAMST) Musical in 2011-2012. It was a musical production done completely by students and driven by nothing but passion (we didn't have money, no sponsors, no stage, fking uni didn't even support us until it became big).

When I first joined the musical practice session, it wasn't meant to be this big. I joined because I liked music. There was Mr. Kingsley who had been trying and trying to get a team of about 40 student performers who are good enough to form a team, for 10 YEARS!!! Every year he tried, he failed, then he tried, he failed again. Somehow in 2011, every thing was just right. We had a few leaders who are natural musical performers, many with passions, many other newbies who come in with just interest, but discovered as good singers. Somehow we found 16 singing talents and another 20 dancers.

We thought it would end up as an annual performance in university, which we were happy with. But with some unknown strength, Mr. Kingsley and Adeline pushed us to a fking big public stage wtf

I remember when I first saw the stage I was like fucked I'm gonna fall down fuck whoever that asked me to join this thing wtf hahahahahahaa

Anyway, I did fall down on stage, TWICE. Got the name of butt magnet for this reason hahahahhaha I love ma butt.

Coming back to the topic: Friends Who Grow Up Together.

I don't mean the friends who grow up with you when you're 10 years old till now. Probably because I don't have many friends who grew up with me from 10yo and whom I still properly keep contact with.

Probably for the common love for music, or for LIAMST, I have gone through shits together with the musical friends. We worried for lack of sponsors, we worried that nobody was gonna buy our tickets so we ran around selling them, We worried about the lack of talent, we worried about how we weren't good enough. We cried together when someone was scolded for lack of disciplince, we ate together every night after 2-8pm practice. We learned together, we grew together.

The bond is strong. It's like there's trust, like I know I can leave my life with this person in ease. They taught me that it's fine to mafan and bother your friends simply because we are friends. They taught me that friends are the kind who can do chores together. They taught me that every heartbreak and every adventure can be very meaningful.

I don't understand how I didn't get to develop this kind of bond with my friends from primary school and high school. Probably because of a bad childhood, I became very independent and at the same time, very insecure girl. I never ask for help from anyone, Goodness, I don't even ask for help with my parents. I feel insecure that sometimes I had to lie about something so people don't ask me any further. The friends I met then, I don't know, I view them as close friends but I still don't think the friendship is reciprocated.

I feel like I'm there as their friends only when they need help, they feel alone and need a company, they want to hang out, when they need a person to text etc etc. I'm not their basic needs.

In short, I can't feel the bond. I was too busy hiding my own weakness.

I'm glad LIAMST happened because it changed my life. In terms of relationships, I began to know why it's important to let people help you, even when you think you don't need to. I began to feel confident knowing that I am loved and needed and wanted as a friend and that it's okay to ask for help.

It's okay to ask them to go service the car with you. It's okay to make them wait just for a while when you are in trouble. It's okay to speak out ideas about planning the next trip even if it doesn't work out. It's okay to feel important.

I feel the bonds with my musical friends. I feel the bonds with Joshua and Arvin who are my best friends for life. I don't think I feel it with the friends which I meet before my adult years.

And to make things worse, I can totally feel that my mindset is totally different from the teenage-year friends. I don't know whether it's because the things and the environments surrounding us differ, or because I'm surrounded by people who travel, or simply because I have more multicultural friends now. Sometimes I think there's some prejudice and stigma which they carry, and I know it's not a good thing to carry. I want to change this mindset of theirs.

But I can't. How could I, when I know that they live a totally different life from mine?

I want to tell them the world is bigger than they feel it is. I want to tell them how wrong it is to simply categorise people according to race and religions. I want to tell them that you shouldn't disregard and label some things as bad, evil, sinful.

But how could I, when I know that they don't live the life like mine, that in the life they live, their mindset is totally appropriate?

I can't.

The lack of bond was present all along. Then the difference in mindsets kicked in. It kills the little things that's left in a friendship.

I guess I need to be less pessimistic on this matter. Things come and go. I have had a lot more amazing experiences and realizations in my life. I probably had to lose one or two things. I guess that compensates.

I don't know whether I'm the only one who encounter this. I hope I'm not.

Just to reminisce about the LIAMST! moments, here you go.
There I was, falling in love with Chee Chenk whom I met in a trolley in San Francisco hahahahaha wtf. He is currently in UCL in UK and I hope he's doing fine as ever.

There with a quirky smile :) with Choong Hou

Probably the only time when Beatles don't need drums. LOL NO DRUMS BEHIND THE BEATLES BOARD WTF. Cheat people's money max la HAHAHA

Begging my love not to leave me alone in the trolley =_= fking no face la

And the one with the big mouth. HAHAHAHAH don't judge lerh wtf.

I sincerely thank LIAMST for changing me. It was a great journey growing up together. We will be friends for life. I will invite all of you to my wedding la hahahaha wtf you're welcome.

Let's kick-start LIAMST! The Musical 2015!

Add-on: I hope Mr. Kingsley gets some rest. It grows a heart-wrenching flame when I heard he's not well. One of the men I fully respect in my life.

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