Friday, 7 March 2014

Poor Leo

I feel like a boss.

A big black Audi A4 was tailgating me and it cut me up and sped away. I drove on slowly with my little wreck car and half a minute later we ended up at the same traffic light.

RIGHT BESIDE ME.

I felt like a Matthew McConaughey with Leonardo DiCaprio.

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Gotta say... NOT SORRY AT ALL!

Well, I still love you Leonardo DiCaprio and I hope you get an Oscar soon!

Friends are like boobs

Friends are like boobs. Some are big, some are small. Some are real, some are fake. Some don't even exist.

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Catchy title aside, this post is to thank all the greatest friends for keeping me in your hearts and staying true. Let's all cheers to the bestest friendships we all have ever had in our lives!

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#nowplaying for the first time in forever, there'll be music, there'll light~

Sunday, 2 March 2014

This loneliness

 Being friends with anyone for 30 years is no easy task - people change, they drift apart, they move on. --Alana Stewart

This post is about how lonely I feel.

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I met up with some primary school friends whom I have never met for 8 years.

It's time to realise that people change, and as we grow up, we walk our own paths and settle individually. Most of them appeared indifferent. I found that even our speaking manners and conceptual thinkings do not connect well with each other's. A few of them have even graduated and already are working. It's odd to feel always so young, so immature in heart, while having a friend who has a step in the society, or even more, married.

We were all in the same class, having the same worries and what-homework-to-hand-in queries everyday. Most of us got canned by teachers everyday either because we did not complete our homeworks, or we were not concentrating good enough in class. I guess the only thing we got out of being canned is that we became comrades. The fear of the punishment creates empathy in the air haha!

Then soon we went to high schools. We were starting to explore ourselves. We chased after freedom and attention. We worked and comformed hard to be in the Cool gang. Some of us who are the not-so-cool ones became shadowed aside while others receive admiring glances from the rest. We had crushes on good-looking and popular guys. Soon after we talk about what subjects we liked. Towards the end of high school we were starting to have the vaguest idea of how our futures will be.

We entered college. Some doing Arts, others doing Science major. The concerns in life became somehow similar, yet extremely different: what to wear to class, how much would we need to spend in college in a day, how to read journals etc. This was the time we were starting to realise that we stopped having crushes on handsome boys; instead, girls became women and started to look for reliable men, and that boys became men and realised that education is more important than being the coolest football player in school. Once in a fortnight, we would hang out with friends at Starbucks & J.Co, places where even our hardworking parents would NEVER dine in at, for lunches and dinners. We would even spend a night or 2 dancing and drinking in a club, watching people awkwardly sniffing their fingers.

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We then struggled through college not just because of high academic stress, but deep down we know that, we are all spending hard-earned money by our parents, on short lived luxury which we do not deserve. We had lived our weekends high on alcohol, low on hangovers, hectic over assignments, coping with boyfriends and expectations.

This was the period we realised that relationships are very important in life. We realised how far apart we have driven. Then we tried to rekindle friendships that we abandoned in the past, contacting people we didn't care for previously. But most of the times it was in vain simply because we only had just enough time for ourselves and our families. We found ourselves looking back, missing everything that used to be: only if we had known that we would one day, miss the bygones so much. Then we would be so surprised by life, again and again that, how some things changed, while some others never do.

It's time to realise that we grow old, and apart as time goes. And of course, to realise that, even your friends whom you spend your youthful time with, can be so different from you now. What more, the society?

SONY DSCBut this is never the worst.

Ever since I entered university, I haven't been able to find a girl friend whom I could call my own. In fact in my life, I only have one best girl friend whose name is Deidre and I have known her since I was 9. Of course, I can't ask for more. My best friend, Arvin, became my boyfriend. He knows the best and the worst of me yet he still loves me. But the fact that I have no girl friend, or rather, little friends bugs me. I know I'm not a terrible person. But I can't be like these girls in my uni. Everyday when I see a girl dressing up gorgeous for class, I would pay them a small compliment: "hey, you look great today!"

"No la, you're so much prettier."

This always makes me feel so pressured to say, "noooo, you're prettier!" or "haha noo, you are also very pretty," and it is endless and it goes on and on. Very sien one you know. Why can't they say thanks and walk away. I find it easier to talk to friends like this, "wow you look like a faggot today."

"yea, well you don't look so good urself," and we laughed together. Well I tried talking to a used-to-be close girl friend this way before and hell, she was pretty offended and I could never mend it.

Most of the times I can't feel their sincerity as friends....

Besides, as a person who love just being alone and quietly reading, most of the time all I need, is a companion by my side. Don't get me wrong. I LOVE being alone. I don't like how I have to conform and change the way I am just to have some friends to hang out with but not being placed at importance. But when I see people forming cliques and hanging out together without me I do feel oddly lonely...

And loneliness is a strong motivation. It makes us all make very, very poor decisions in life.

In university, before  Arvin, became my boyfriend. I had another boyfriend, Jason. We broke up because of, complicated reasons.

1. He couldn't give me enough attention. I, as a girl who was born to a male-dominant family, prefer having more guy friends because I find it very hard to make friends with girls. I was lonely, and I was a little attention-seeking. I couldn't get any of his attention, so I went out with friends a lot. I can't give him the security he needed.

2. He wanted, and needed to study.

3. He didn't love me enough. And vice versa.

4. He ditched me.

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At that period of time, I lost all my confidence and identity. I shyed away from my best friends. I tried hard to mingle with the girls in class so I would feel less lonely. I changed so much just to fit in until I couldn't remember how I truly was like. I had 2 guys after me in uni whom I didn't like enough to have them as boyfriends but still keep them on. I was very insecure. I cannot cope with studies. I came home everyday crying in my room so my mum wouldn't feel sad. When I'm hanging out with friends, everyone was having fun and I was laughing too but deep down I didn't know what I was doing. The idea of committing suicide would cross my mind and I thought, "it isn't such a bad idea actually." I lost myself so badly until Kaveena picked me back up. One day I looked into the mirror I felt so worthless and I thought to myself, "I am going to be a person who save lives. I need myself back."

I started to take a new look on life. I went to classes, looking at people who care for me in their faces. I worked hard on being friends again with good friends whom I had left when I was angrily lonely. I still couldn't study and I started to pick up stories books again.

There were Arvin, Joshua, Vish, Anjanette and Kaveena. I would want to thank them eternally. I still don't know how they do it. But they picked me back on track. Of course, things aren't as bright anymore with Anjanette, which you would learn as I blog more and more. But I still naively wish that the day of us being good friends again will come. One day.

And then there were the LIAMSTers, the musical mates. I didn't tell them how bad the breakup was, but Yao Zhong knows me well and just having him by my side was very therapeutic, all the time. LIAMSTers are friends for life.

Now I'm back to how I was. Although at times lonely, I still love being alone. I don't feel the need to seek for approval and to please people who don't care anymore. Loneliness kills and we often lose ourselves in the midst of it. Besides, I have Arvin, and I'm gonna leave this topic for another post. :) He makes my days so ordinary, yet as precious as life. He is my inspiration.

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And of course, in the midst of loneliness, always remember the friends you know you would have them for life even though you don't have to text them everyday. They are the best!

#nowplaying play the funky music right boy!